APPLICATION   FOR  PERMISSION TO  DATE  MY  DAUGHTER NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, history, lineage, recent FBI background check, psychiatric evaluation, and updated medical report from your doctor. NAME:_________________________________DATE OF BIRTH:_____________________ HEIGHT:___________  WEIGHT:____________   I.Q.__________  GPA____________ SOCIAL SECURITY#_________________________________________________________ DRIVERS LICENSE#_________________________________________________________ BOY SCOUT RANK:__________________________________________________________ HOME ADDRESS:____________________________________________________________ CITY/STATE_________________________________________  ZIP_________________ Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?     _______ yes?  _______ no? Number of years parents married:_________________________________________ Do you own a van? _________  A truck with oversized tires? __________ A waterbed? _________ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly ring?_______________ Tatoo?_______________  (IF YES TO ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES) In 50 words or less, what does DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER MEAN TO YOU? _________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you? _________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?  _________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ Congregation you attend:_______________________________________________ How often do you attend?_________________________________________________ When would it the best time to interview your father, mother, relatives, neighbors, minister/rabbi/priest, and past girlfriends? (supply phone numbers)_____________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________ What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________________________ ANSWER THESE SEMI-CONFIDENTIAL QUESTIONS  BY FILLING IN THE BLANKS. "If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is _________________________________________________________________________ "If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ______________ _________________________________________________________________________ "A woman’s place is in the ______________________________________________ "The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _________ _________________________________________________________________________ "When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her is ______________ _________________________________________________________________________ (NOTE: If the answer to #E begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and it is advised that you leave the premises right now keeping your head low and running  in a serpentine fashion.)   I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE, UNDER THE PENALTY OF A SLOW DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, SOLDIER ANT TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS DRIPPING WATER TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, AND THE JANET RENO KISS TORTURE.   ____________________________________________ SIGNATURE (That means your name, moron!) Thank you for your interest in my daughter. Please allow four to six years for processing. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, anyway). Any attempt to make contact might cause you injury. If your application is rejected, two gentlemen with violin cases and cement shoes will notify you – one size fits all. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~